In this lesson, learn more about:
Approaches to helping maltreated
children
Ways to
help!
Parents and caregivers
make all the difference in the lives of
maltreated children. This section suggests
some different ways to help.
Nurture these children:
These children need to be held and rocked
and cuddled. Be
appropriately physical, caring, and
loving to children with attachment
problems. Be aware that for many of these
children, touch in the past has been
associated with pain, torture, or sexual
abuse. In these cases, make sure you
carefully monitor how they react--be
“attuned” to their responses to your
nurturing and act accordingly. In many
ways, you are providing replacement
experiences that should have taken place
during their infancy--but you are doing this
when their brains are harder to modify and
change. Therefore, they will need even more
bonding experiences to help develop
attachments.
Try
to understand behavior before dispensing
punishment or consequences:
The more you can learn about attachment
problems, bonding, normal development, and
abnormal development, the better you will be
able to develop useful behavioral and social
interventions. Information about these
problems can prevent you from
misunderstanding a child’s behaviors. When
these children hoard food, for example, it
should not be viewed as "stealing" but as a
common and predictable result of being
deprived during early childhood. A punitive
approach to this problem (and many others)
will not help the child mature. Indeed,
punishment may actually increase the child's
sense of insecurity, distress, and need to
hoard food. Many of these children's
behaviors are confusing and disturbing to
caregivers. You can get help from
professionals if you find yourself confused
by a child’s behavior or struggling to
create and implement a practical and useful
approach to these problems.
Parent these children based on emotional
age:
Abused and
neglected children will often be emotionally
and socially delayed.
When they are frustrated or fearful, they
will regress further. For example,
this means that, at any given moment, a
ten-year-old child may, emotionally, be a
two-year-old. Despite our wishes that they
would “act their age” and our insistence to
do so, they are not capable of that. These
are the times that we must interact with
them at their emotional level.
If they are tearful, frustrated, overwhelmed
(emotionally age two), parent them as if
they were that age. Use soothing non-verbal
interactions. Hold them. Rock them. Sing
quietly. Breathe deeply. This is not the
time to use complex verbal explanations
about the consequences of inappropriate
behavior.
It is also important to note that, while a
child may show a delay in one area, they may
be “on target” in others.
As stated above, stay “in tune” with the
child—meet her where she is.
Be
consistent, predictable and repetitive:
Maltreated children with attachment problems
are very sensitive to transitions,
surprises, chaotic social situations,
changes in schedule, and, in general, any
new situation. Busy and unique social
situations will overwhelm them, even when
they are pleasant! Birthday parties,
sleepovers, holidays, family trips, the
start and end of the school year--all can be
disorganizing for these children. Because
of this, any efforts that can be made to be
consistent, predictable, and repetitive will
be very important in making these children
feel "safe" and secure. When they feel safe
and secure, they can benefit from the
nurturing, enriching emotional and social
experiences you provide them. If they are
anxious and fearful, they cannot benefit
from your nurturing in the same ways.
Model
and teach appropriate social behaviors:
Many abused and neglected children do not
know how to interact with other people. One
of the best ways to teach them is to model
this in your own behaviors and then narrate
for the child what you are doing and why.
Become a play-by-play announcer: "I am going
to the sink to wash my hands before dinner
because…” or “I take the soap and get soapy
here and…" Children see, hear, and imitate.
In addition
to modeling, you can "coach" maltreated
children as they play with other children.
Use a similar play-by-play approach: "Well,
when you take that from someone they
probably feel pretty upset. If you want
them to have fun when you play this game…"
Positive play with other children can help
increase self-esteem and confidence. Over
time, success with other children will make
the child less socially awkward and
aggressive. Maltreated children are often
"a mess" because of their delayed
socialization. If a child is teased because
of her clothes or grooming, it can help to
have “cool” clothes and improved hygiene.
One area
that these children have problems in is
modulating appropriate physical contact.
Some of these behaviors are noticeable,
while some are almost imperceptible. They
don't know when to hug, when to pick their
nose or touch their genitals, how close to
stand, or when to establish or break eye
contact.
In these cases, it is important to gently
guide without shaming or embarrassing the
child.
As
discussed earlier, children with attachment
problems will often initiate physical
contact (e.g., hugs, holding hands, crawling
into laps) with strangers. Adults often
misinterpret this as affectionate behavior.
It is not. It is best understood as
"supplication" behavior and it is socially
inappropriate. How adults handle this
inappropriate physical contact is very
important. We should not refuse to hug the
child and lecture them about "appropriate
behavior." We can gently guide the child
toward ways to interact differently with
grown-ups and other children (e.g., “Why
don’t you sit over here?”). It is important
to make these lessons clear, using as few
words as possible. They do not have to be
directive--rely on nonverbal cues. It is
equally important to guide in a way that
does not make the child feel bad or guilty.
|
|
Ironically enough, children with
attachment problems frequently are overly
affectionate and attentive to strangers.
This is often misinterpreted as a form of
healthy attachment bonding but in fact is
reflecting profound attachment problems and
makes them more vulnerable to exploitation.
|
